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As a licensed newspaper columnist, I am contractually obligated to write an end-of-the-year, beginning-of-the-year column.

You’re supposed to recount the events of the previous year in some whimsical context, or make quirky resolutions/predictions for the coming year.

After Georgia was edged by Alabama in the SEC Championship game, I have decided to forget everything that happened previously in 2012, so it’s on to the latter.

Most folks make New Year’s resolutions in an attempt to better themselves or improve humanity. While that type of effort is indeed admirable, I am no pie-in-the-sky Pollyanna (umm, pie). I know my limitations, and they are many, and then some. Thus, I lower the bar and shoot for attainable standards – resolutions I can reach with very little effort and absolutely no pain.

With that in mind, in the year of 2013, I resolve to:

• Do things that require very little effort and absolutely no pain.

• Petition the Supreme Court to issue an edict that all clothing manufactured in the United States must be stain-resistant and wrinkle-free (if there is any clothing still manufactured in the United States).

• Blame every problem I have on Obamacare.

• Cease trying to subtract.

• Not chase my kids around the house with scissors any more.

• Try that new “Smoke-Yourself-Thin” diet I’ve been hearing about.

• Teach a dog to talk.

• Act like I’m stupid all the time so that when I do or say stupid things, people won’t be surprised (I’ve resolved to do this for years, and am always able to accomplish it).

• Develop a fat-free taco.

• Petition the Supreme Court to outlaw automated phone systems.

• Share every thought that pops in my head on politics or religion on Facebook.

• Continue to avoid television programs or movies that involve vampires, zombies, or puppets. Also, avoid vampires, zombies, or puppets in real life.

So much for going to Walmart in 2013.

• Expand my culinary horizons and eat different kinds of foods, rather than the same foods that I always eat – like maybe trying the new Enchilada Supreme Flavored Doritos.

• Never lose my remote control again.

• Create and develop a reality television show focused on rednecks. We need more of that on TV.

• Hide all my stuff if my wife starts talking about having another yard sale.

• Petition the Supreme Court to overturn that law about tampering with mattress tags.

• Not beat up any more mimes.

• Eat as much as I can possibly cram in my big, fat mouth.

• Not be redundant.

• Eat as much as I can possibly cram in my big, fat mouth.

• And lastly, spread love, hope, goodwill, no communicable diseases, and love with my every encounter.

Happy eating in 2013!

© Len Robbins 2012