Planned Parenthood of Indiana (hereinafter referred to as PP), apart from their day job of selling fetal parts, also offers gift certificates during the Christmas holidays (see, ABC news, Dec.2008). Christmas is right around the corner so listen up parents of teens and tweenies. PP is offering a limited amount of gift certificates from $25 to $100 toward any medical procedure, including abortion, for the unexpected, expected love child.
And for all you macho guys out there, this is a good deal. Remember how you had to play dumb, even hide when the little mommy to be stuck out her puffy stomach and asked, “What now?” And remember how her dad threatened you with severe bodily harm? Well, kid, just fire up that I-Pad, jump on line and go to Planned Parenthood of Indiana dot com; grab yourself a couple of gift certificates and bingo, no bundle. You can forget all about getting a thrashing from her daddy, child support, being a man, accepting responsibility and all that boring stuff and get on back to your garage band.
I know, I know, you’re going to bawl in typical guilty despair that your love child is only 16 and cannot have an abortion without parental consent. Dude! Relax! PP is looking out for you. They have contracted with the Indiana ACLU to offer your love-child a free consultation on how to obtain an abortion, sans parental consent, (see, firstname.lastname@example.org). It is euphemistically referred to as a “judicial bypass.” Thirty-eight states, Georgia included, recognize the judicial by-pass. By-passes are available to all pregnant children who are over 14 but under 18 years old.
Once you get the bypass, you just mosey on over to the closest PP clinic where a trained professional will explain in teen talk, like you know, like all the abortion options, like, that are available.
You guys might even consider picking up a few extra certificates over the holidays. You never know when they might come in handy. In fact, you could make a handsome profit peddling them between classes. Parents, teachers, mothers and dads would never need to know. Picture this: There you are at the drive-in-movie, rounding third, heading for home, when the little teenage cherub squeals, “Did you bring some (deleted)?” You can riposte with re-assuring confidence, “No, but I brought these,” whereupon you flash your abortion certificates. The lights dim. A crime occurs.
James Studdard is an attorney and an occasional columnist for this publication and others. Any comments may be sent to him at email@example.com
Editor’s Note: A representative of Planned Parenthood of Indiana responded to this column and stated that Planned Parenthood of Indiana has not contracted with the Indiana ACLU to offer a free consultation on how to obtain an abortion.