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HOMERVILLE, Ga. – An independent think tank has found that syndicated columnist Len Robbins is an “old geek.”

The Institute for Comparative Study, a Fairfax, Va.-based think tank, concluded that Robbins was an “old geek” after an exhaustive three-hour study.

“Basically, the subject (Robbins) is an old geek, and has been for quite some time,” said Dr. Donald Grantham, who headed the study for the Institute. “For him to claim he is in any way young, cool, or hip is simply false. We also found ample evidence that he was even never close to being cool or hip when he was young. Our research shows he even attended an Anne Murray concert as a teen.”

The study was commissioned by friends of Robbins, who claim that the 40-ish old father of three refuses to admit that he’s middle-aged and out of touch with today’s pop culture.

“He owns a mini-van for Pete’s sake,” said a friend who contributed to the study. “Maybe this will convince him to stop those lame Gary Coleman references. Gary Coleman has been dead for three years now, and didn’t have a job for 20 years before that. Nobody knows who he is anymore.”

According to a report published by the Institute, the study based its conclusion on the following evidence:

• Subject (Robbins) occasionally drives a Honda mini-van.

• CD found in subject’s CD player was “Best of Steely Dan.”

• Search of residence found a Members Only jacket in subject’s closet.

• Surprise search of subject’s person found the following in subject’s pants pocket: One (1) receipt from Fox’s Pizza Den; two (2) children’s sweat bands; one (1) receipt from the Shoney’s buffet; one (1) Bob the Builder toy truck, which is believed to have come from a kids’ meal; and three (3) grocery coupons.

• Interview with subject revealed that he did not know any of the songs or artists from the latest Billboard Top 10 chart.

• Subject recently updated his prescription glasses for near-sightedness, which subject consistently, and mistakenly, called “short-sightedness.”

• During interview, subject made what the study believes were attempts at humor, using the following outdated pop culture references: Rubik’s Cube, “What you talkin’ about Willis?,” Oscar Gamble’s hair, Emmanuel Lewis, “Maude,” Shirley from “What’s Happenin?,” “Disco Duck,” Darryl Dawkins, “Where’s the beef?,” and repeatedly quoted someone named “Aunt Esther.”

Robbins refuted the study’s findings.

“First of all, I’m not that old, compared to Abe Vigoda,” he said. “And to say I don’t know what’s going on with pop culture today is absurd. I know who Spongebob Squarepants is. I know who that Simon LeBon guy on ‘American Idol’ is. I’ve watched the ‘Deuce Bigalow’ movies – much to my chagrin. And what’s a think tank anyway? These people weren’t from a think tank – they were from a think hot tub. And my mom forced me to go to that Anne Murray concert. I don’t think that should be counted against me.”

Grantham said that Robbins is in the first stage of being an old geek.

“In the second stage, he’ll start losing his hair and do the ‘comb-over’ or the ‘swipe-over,’ with his part steadily moving southward – at about a half-inch a year. It’s just a matter of time,” said Grantham.

Robbins didn’t refute that finding.

“Yeah, I’ve already started doing that,” he said.

© Len Robbins 2013